The Funniest Person on Twitter is Aparna Nancherla

My very real and very valid award of Best Person on Twitter goes to comedian Aparna Nancherla. Her cerebral, concise insights into everyday obser--oh, I guess you can just read her tweets and see for yourself:

Children are the ultimate invaders: they steal all your resources & then try to convince the original inhabitants to worship their weird art

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 9, 2016

I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) November 12, 2015

You've got to hand it to Christopher Columbus, because he would have definitely taken it anyway & then murdered you

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 13, 2014

Pregnancy is an inside job

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 8, 2016

Every time I sew a button back onto a shirt, there are then two solid minutes where I sincerely believe I would've survived the Oregon Trail

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 3, 2016

All Lives Matter feels like a stranger showing up at someone's funeral & going "Hey guys, it's actually my birthday today, so could we not?"

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 9, 2016

A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 8, 2015

"WHOM WHOM WHOM"-owl that never gets invited to parties

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 30, 2016

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 26, 2016

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 6, 2016

when a cat ignores you, you think "that's on you"
when a dog ignores you, you think "you saw into my dark soul"

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 7, 2016

i wish i could take all unsure teens aside & say "just you wait" & take all overconfident teens aside & say "interesting"

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 24, 2016

Instead of the Founding Fathers, I prefer to call them the Deciding Daddies

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 5, 2016

negative thoughts are like car alarms. they usually go off at night for no reason & the only way to handle them is by blaming other people.

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 23, 2016

A memory is a gif your heart makes

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 25, 2015

If I had to give my anxiety a number, it would be an irrational one

-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 15, 2016

Her first stand-up album Just Putting It Out There is now available, and she didn't even pay us to say that.

Source: www.collegehumor.com